New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
