Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
