I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
