Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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