Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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