Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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