I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
