can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
