I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
