Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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