Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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