Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just blew my weed a kiss
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
