Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
