Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
