he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
