I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
