I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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