Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
