When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
