Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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