i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
