There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
