I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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