Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have feelings that need drinking.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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