Where did you get a picture of my penis
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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