Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
