i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
