Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
