She went from zero to smokin in five shots
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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