we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
