i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
40s are totally the cure
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
