2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
