Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
