Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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