i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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