And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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