garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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