Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
