i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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