I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
