The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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