Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
