Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
