You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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