Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
