Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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