You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
