I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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