The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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