i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
