Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
