I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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