ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
