I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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