I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
