and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
