Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
