We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
