the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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