So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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