I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
