I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
