I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
