please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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