Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
