the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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